There is so much talk about how America is dense and lacks social awareness, but it seems like no one is making a move towards change. It seems very few people support productive and creative outlets. Using a personal example, when I post a Facebook status about something political or societal, hardly anyone comments, but when I post a picture of a celebrity or something comical, several people leave remarks and likes. 

Realization

Let’s start at the beginning. Until the age of 14, I thought I was straight. But after getting my first girlfriend, I knew something was different about me. I didn’t know what it was, but I just knew that I didn’t like dating girls. It took me 4 years to accept that I regularly developed feelings for men . And once I accepted it, it took me another year to get up the courage to tell just one person.

The first person I told was someone who I now consider my best friend, Taelyn, who I had met 3 weeks prior in Introduction to Marketing. It was a quiet evening in her dorm. She and I were sitting around with, watching funny YouTube videos and snacking on fatty foods.  So we got the conversation on the popular talking point of me never mention women in my life. We discussed it, and she jokingly asked if I was gay. For a a few moments, I joined in the laughter not knowing how to answer and I finally said “you know what, I’m gay, nothing more, nothing less." At that moment I felt a big chunk of weight come off of my shoulder, for I wouldn't have to put on a facade anymore and eventually end up blocking friendships from going far due to me not wanting anyone to know as I had done all through high school.

See, I had barely known Taelyn which is why it was easier to tell her and others I met that during the year I spent in Chicago. I knew I was starting with fresh slate with these people and being honest would be the best way to go. The hard part would be telling my family and others from back home. 

When I decided to leave Chicago and come back out to San Francisco I knew I would have to tell, I just didn't know how. After being back I started to enclosed many emotions which eventually turned into stress, because I was not able to express myself the way I wanted. Whenever I was asked how I am feeling, I would always respond with a positive adjective, but deep down I wanted to die.

For the past few months I had become so stressed that I started alienating myself from the world. I would go to school, work and then go home and lock myself in my room. Then, about a week ago I started realizing how pathetic I was making myself look so after spending about an hour or so debating with myself I finally mustered up the courage to walk into my mother's room and tell her. You would have thought I died, she spent that day laying around the house mourning before she could finally speak to me. She was so sad, but she said it wasn't about me, it was the life she had planned for me in her head, dealing with a gay son isn't exactly something she imagined, but I'm happy to say she and a lot of my family members accepted me.